It would be an understatement to say that our time together discussing the pursuit of a healthy relationship with your next senior minister was profitable. Between two sessions, just under 50 people attended the meetings, provided valuable input regarding what you as a church are both wanting from your next pastor and expecting them to need in return. Interesting dialogue around how failing to meet certain expectations and neglect of each others’ needs impacts the overall rapport also ensued, which sparked some illumined insights about the upward – or downward – cycles of rapport. At first, that particular part of our discussion seemed to be focused on how the initial actions, or inaction, of one can hurt the relationship…but upon further exploration, it became clear that the actions of one are not the only deciding factors in a two-way rapport.

We’ve all heard it said: the laws of equilibrium insist that all action is met with equal level of reaction. Our reactions, therefore, are just as formative, just as influential, as the actions we are responding to. The reaction to neglect – disappointment – hurt feelings – missed opportunities – and failed expectations – is just as potent a qualifier when determining the potential of a relationship’s longevity – and play a significant role in predicting whether or not that relationship will ultimately stay in tact.

So, then, it begs the question: Is the success of a relationship mostly on our shoulders? Is it not a “50-50” parlay? Well, in theory, yes. But in reality, we often find our relationships suffering from the periodic “falling short” of our – or their – providing that 50%. What happens then? To the first question, I refer to Paul when he wrote to the church in Philippi…

“If therefore there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind with each other, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing form selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than him- or herself. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves, which also was in Christ Jesus…who emptied himself, taking on the form of a servant.”

Paul’s formula for successful relationships within the church community was surprisingly simple… Prefer one another’s needs over your own. That’s it. Simple.

Well, we know better than that. It isn’t simple at all. It’s quite difficult, actually, to put someone’s needs and expectations before our own, especially if we are in the midst of a moment when they have failed to meet ours. Ah – but this is where becoming like Christ comes into full expression. This is the call – the trick, if you will – to give more than our 50%, or to give our 50% when they have forgotten to give theirs.

If we dare to claim we are Christians, then following that example is our charge. And if you are determined to have a healthy relationship with your next pastor, the church will need to be resolved on this point – that to say “giving is a two-way street” does not cut it in truly healthy relationships…It is not in the giving, but in the giving first, that a relationship sustains the hope of a vibrant future.

As we enter this season of Lent, the penultimate time of selflessness and sacrifice, I challenge both myself and you to allow God to give us a new understanding of what it is to prefer one another to ourselves, and to look out for the interests of others. For such an approach to relating to each other is the only true prescription for an ongoing successful bond, and is the first step in becoming like the One we claim to worship and follow. Let that be the focus of our attention, the pursuit of our energies, and the desire of our hearts.